When relief becomes the boss

Pain management turns into addiction

Addiction rarely starts with someone saying, I want to ruin my life. It usually starts with someone saying, I need to feel better right now. In South Africa, that moment can look like a drink after work that becomes a nightly requirement, a few pain pills after surgery that turn into daily dosing, a “harmless” joint that becomes the only way to sleep, or a stimulant that turns a tired brain into a focused machine until the crash hits. The common thread is not weakness. The common thread is untreated pain and a culture that rewards quick relief.

People fall into addiction because substances work, at least at the start. They change mood, reduce anxiety, numb grief, dull trauma, boost confidence, shut off intrusive thoughts, and switch off the body’s alarm system. If someone has been living with emotional pain for years, that first hit of relief feels like a miracle. The brain registers it as survival, not as recreation, and when the brain decides something equals survival, it fights to keep it.

Pain is not only physical

A lot of people think addiction starts with partying. In reality, many people fall into addiction quietly. They use at home. They use alone. They use to cope with feelings they cannot explain without sounding weak. They use to sleep. They use to face people. They use to stop thinking. They use because their nervous system is stuck in overdrive and they cannot calm down naturally.

Emotional pain comes in many forms. It can be trauma from violence, accidents, abuse, or neglect. It can be chronic anxiety that makes normal life feel like a threat. It can be depression that drains motivation and self respect. It can be grief that never resolved because life kept demanding productivity. It can be shame from family conflict, poverty, unemployment, or failure. It can be loneliness that feels humiliating. If someone is carrying pain like this and they find a substance that gives relief in minutes, it becomes logical to repeat it.

The brain does not care about future consequences when it feels threatened today. That is why willpower speeches fail. You cannot lecture someone out of a survival response. You have to understand what the substance is doing for them and build safer ways to meet the same needs.

Relief is rewarding

Addiction is learning. It is a learning process inside the brain’s reward system. The substance creates a dopamine spike, or a calm down effect, or both, and the brain stores that as a solution. The person does not need to be irresponsible to learn this. They just need a nervous system under strain and access to a chemical shortcut.

Over time, tolerance develops. The same amount gives less relief. The person increases the dose or the frequency. They might not even notice it happening because it feels gradual and justified. A stressful week becomes an excuse. A bad relationship becomes an excuse. A tight month becomes an excuse. A celebration becomes an excuse. The substance shifts from being a choice to being a tool, then to being a requirement.

This is where families often get confused, because the person does not look like a stereotype. They might still work. They might still function. They might even look calmer than before. The substance appears to be helping, until it starts taking more than it gives.

When substances become emotional regulation

Many people fall into addiction because they have never learned emotional regulation skills. That is not an insult. Most people are not taught how to handle anxiety, anger, shame, rejection, or grief. They are taught to push it down, keep going, and not embarrass themselves. Substances become emotional regulation in a bottle or a pill.

If alcohol is what calms you, then anxiety becomes a trigger to drink. If pills are what help you sleep, then bedtime becomes a trigger to use. If cannabis slows your thoughts, then stress becomes a trigger to smoke. If stimulants give you confidence, then social interaction becomes a trigger to dose. Once the substance becomes your emotional switch, your brain stops practicing natural coping. That makes dependence stronger because the person is not only craving the substance, they are fearing the emotions that return without it.

This is why people relapse when life hits them. They have not built new skills yet. They have just removed the old coping tool. If you want addiction to stop, you have to replace the function, not only remove the substance.

The South African pressure cooker

We live in a context where stress is not theoretical. People deal with long commutes, financial strain, crime awareness, unstable work, family responsibilities, and limited mental health support. Many people also carry intergenerational trauma and social pressure to appear strong. In that environment, substances become a normalised escape.

Alcohol is everywhere and socially defended. People will call you boring for not drinking, but they will call you weak if you cannot stop. That is a nasty double standard. Pills are often seen as medical, not addictive, even when they are being used emotionally. Cannabis is often marketed as natural and harmless, even when it is being used daily as an emotional crutch. Stimulants get glamorised as hustle fuel. The result is a culture that normalises self medication while pretending addiction is only for “other people.”

When households unintentionally train addiction

Families do not cause addiction, but families can accidentally train it. When a person uses substances to cope and the household responds by smoothing consequences, addiction gets safer. People cover for missed work. They lend money. They lie to relatives. They tolerate mood swings. They walk on eggshells. They do it because they do not want conflict and they do not want the person to suffer.

The problem is that addiction interprets this as permission. If the person can keep using and still keep their relationships, their money, their home, and their reputation, then why would they stop. The family thinks they are helping, but they are removing the friction that sometimes pushes people toward treatment.

Healthy support looks like insisting on assessment and treatment, setting boundaries around money and behaviour, refusing to participate in secrecy, and not negotiating with threats. Compassion is not softness. Compassion is doing what actually helps, even when it is unpopular.

The line that matters

Addiction is not mysterious when you look at it honestly. People fall into it because life hurts, because they lack tools to cope, because substances work fast, and because the brain learns relief as a solution. The way out is not shame and lectures. The way out is treatment that deals with the pain, builds skills, restores structure, and brings consequences back into the room so reality has a chance to win.